Washington Post: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/ article/2010/ 03/03/AR20100303 03286.html
New York Times: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/04/health/04restraint.html
AP: http://www.google. com/hostednews/ ap/article/ ALeqM5ieMm1HL- n7kt8tm- 2vEIC5-wK9AD9E7D F9G1

I tried to get all the spaces out of these articles, but if I did not do it, please look over these links carefully to see if there are extra spaces in them.

I believe that we need to hire additional aides and teachers, keep class sizes much smaller than some are (so that we can place every child in the least restrictive environment), and then raise our standards for education. We have lower standards in school, because we do not want anyone to feel frustrated, and consequently misbehave. So, we try not to have too much material in class on a given day, and this works for most students. Of course, other countries have better programs. We bemoan the fact that we do not have good programs that teach as much as these other countries, but we forget that in those countries, they are not dummying down the curriculum so that nobody gets frustrated, because they are not dealing with the discipline issues that we are.

OK, so what else can we do? If we lower class size, and have aides and parent volunteers where needed, when someone does not understand, we will be able to take the time to explain it. Then, our students will feel more reassured that they can learn harder subjects.

When we have students who have disabilities, if we actually have the staffing that is mandated by current laws, then those students will have staff to help explain things to them where needed- and in addition, it will help bring down walls, because typical classmates will have more contact with atypical classmates than they currently do.

I believe that restraint has been applied in some truly awful cases because of money issues. I feel awful for all of the children who had to go through it. I feel that using restraint as a punishment is simply not good teaching.

I am very glad that there was bi-partisan support for a bill today that passed the House, in relation to limiting the application of restraint and seclusion in schools, because to me, this is about being a person and caring for other people, and being willing to try to see the world through the eyes of each child. All children are people.

Thinking Nonverbally

I think in pictures, and promised Susan, an NT friend, that I would try to explain to her how I do it in a way that she could relate to, even though she does not do this. I had to think for weeks, and then, as I was driving down a road with a fence next to it and imagined how a person could get to the other side of the fence- nonverbally, of course, I realized how I could generate images like what I was thinking/ seeing in my mind's eye. I finally explained it to my friend as I envisioned it that evening-- it is as if I had drawn my thoughts out on a tiny tablet of paper- the kind of instant animation one can put ones thumb against and flip, to make the pictures come up rapidly one after the other, so that a visual image appears, like a silent movie, of a tiny situation. When I was a kid, one could find things like this as prizes in Crackerjack boxes.

Later, it occurred to me that there is plenty of nonverbal thinking I do that is not visual either- and I have no idea how to explain any of this to an NT. Some is strings of rotations and directions and numbers- the way I remember directions physically most easily, for example- and other parts are full of brilliant colors doing things- the colors are my code for words and ideas and other things that would take much longer to think about in words than they do in color- and other parts are logical sequences and chains of ideas and logical inference.

Just a week ago, I was in a conversation about feelings and realized that in dealing with mild anger, I have a shade of orange-brown that denotes that feeling- and do all manner of constructive things in dealing with it- but had not really ever verbalized it- and did not even connect those actions to dealling with feelings till I was in that conversation.

I am sure that there are other ways I think without words, and have yet to realize it. Things like this are so natural for me that I don't stop to examine them sometimes.

Resolutions in Action

A friend of mine was offended at me last summer when I drive into town and had not seen her. She had expected me to call, and I had- only to be directed to a ringing sight that left no opportunity to leave a voice mail. A friend tried too, with the same result. She finally reached me in the car on my way home, where I pulled over to speak to her. She did not believe me, since she said her phone was always on, and I had not known what had happened. My cell was in the car charger. I tried calling her back to verify that the number was right, and she answered but hung up on me. I felt peaceful, in that I had made my own resolution not long before:

If someone does not believe me and gets offended, then that person is likely not a good friend for me, because I will not repeatedly beg anyone to be my friend, and lead myself into an attitude of giving that person too much power over me as a result. I will wait for her to decide to accept what I have told her, and if not, I will know that I have tried, and have left the door open, but I will not beat myself up over this.

My resolution was hard-fought, and came partly from decades of having done the wrong thing- begging people to forgive me immediately when it was not even my error but they thought it was, being terrified that someone would not be my friend anymore, and the like. I have experienced the fear that comes with that- fear that, for me, was unregulated by the system that regulates the fear of typical people- that went from 9 to 10 on a scale from 0 to 10 in a matter of seconds, and stayed at that level till it was straightened. Prayer helped me have peace this time. I felt it would be all right.

Yesterday, my friend called me. She was able to come to her own realization that it was not worth being offended at anyone, and she wanted to make things be all right by forgiving me and letting me forgive her if I had been offended. She had reasons for thinking that it had been she who had offended me, and that I was playing a game here. I was so blessed! Her early resolution to forgive everyone she could before the new year really saved our relationship! I was able to explain to her that even though her phone may have been on, mine had the problem that it had been cutting off when not attached to to the car charger, so I now had a new phone. Even though it did not matter to her on one level that this was so, it helped her to see that what she had been thinking was not part of this.

My friend is non-Spectrum, and in ways, is extreme NT. She is the first person who carefully told me about watching people's eyes to see the direction that they looked, so that I could look there too, and we could share what we were seeing with one another. She speaks in feelings exclusively when she is excited, and she is the person who really helped me to learn to try to talk in feelings a bit, so that she could follow me- and to be really careful with any statement at all that the feelings track had the same meaning I want to convey factually, because if they mean different things, then she will not get this. I know that it was very hard for her to reach out to me, and that means a great deal. I am learning to speak fluent NT partly by speaking to her, because she cannot speak very much of my native language (thinking in pictures and facts and logic and color and equations and touch and taste and smell and ... -- well, I use words, but think in other things first).

It is an answer to prayer that we are acting and feeling like friends with one another now. I had sent her a card, hoping by faith that it would be received and that she was no longer feeling hurt. When we spoke, she talked of her pride and her need to lay it aside, and that this kind of pride was not a good thing to have. Her example is a great one to all of us, Spectrum or typical (or otherwise), since we can all decide that we want to hold onto hurt or hold onto being right when it means killing an otherwise deep relationship. I think people are more important than being right. So does she.

Mathematical Christmas Fun

Standard Christmas is December 25, which is 1225 in the USA. It is the square of 35:

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX



If we observe that the triangular number of n is the sum of the whole numbers from 1 to n, like

X 1

X
XX 1 + 2 = 3


X
XX
XXX 1 + 2 + 3 = 6


X
XX
XXX
XXXX 1 + 2 + 3 + 4 = 10

then we can do this with 49, and we will get 1225.


1 + 2 + 3 + 4 + 5 + 6 + 7 + 8 + 9 + 10 + 11 + 12 + 13 + 14 + 15 + 16 + 17 + 18 + 19 + 20 + 21
+ 22 + 23 + 24 + 25 + 26 + 27 + 28 + 29 + 30 + 31 + 32 + 33 + 34 + 35 + 36 + 37 + 38
+ 39 + 40 + 41 + 42 + 43 + 44 + 45 + 46 + 47 + 48 + 49 = 1225


Two places in Scripture where there is mathematics related, indirectly, to this subject are the ninth chapter of Daniel, and the first chapter of Matthew.

Merry Christmas to All!

To the leadership of Autism Speaks

I recently read the Autism Speaks modification of the Ransom Notes campaign. I feel many things on reading it, and one is the horror of knowing that the leadership of that group apparently wishes that I had never been born, or that I would die at once. They assume that I am a burden on society. They assume that I am totally uncaring about anyone else, and have been completely robbed of social skills. They do not even know me- yet they make these assumptions.

Here are a few of the many facts they do not know about me:

(1) I have a number of published research papers in international mathematics journals.

(2) I have a PhD in my field.

(3) I have many friends, and none of them consider me to be a burden to anyone.

(4) I have children. All are non-spectrum.

(5) I was officially confirmed as "Asperger's"- that's right, on the autism spectrum- as an adult. I did well in mathematics because it has been a special interest of mine- an autistic perseveration- and yes, many of us have perseverations that lead to wonderful contributions to society if we are allowed to pursue them- and others of us have perseverations that are just a great deal of fun- and since you have no way to know which is which, and neither do we--why do you try to change something beautiful and cause grief and harm in the process?

(6) I have feelings. I have the capacity to feel emotional pain, including the rudeness of Autism Speaks. In addition, you have insulted many of my friends, and I feel equally badly at that. I don't like that you made them feel every bit as badly as you made me feel. I grieve for the children whose parents are afraid to get help for them, because your campaign has increased the stigma attached to being on the spectrum. Did you really mean to do this?

(7) I remember well before I could talk, and I had feelings then, as well. I was a person, and had the right to live. I do not appreciate the implication that the right to live should be taken away from those who are nonverbal. I do not appreciate the idea that I should have been aborted. To those in leadership of Autism Speaks, how would you feel if anyone said this about you? What would you do if someone published such a report?

(8) I have friends who are nonverbal adults. All of them contribute to society. All of them interact with assistive technology- and all of them type. I first met them online. One I know face-to-face and have been privileged to interact with her a great deal, and another, I will meet later this week for the first time- I am really excited! These are highly intelligent people.

(9) I pay taxes. I live independently. In fact, I teach college.

(10) If I were suddenly to become neurotypical, my IQ would need to be lowered substantially. I would have to give up my special abilities, such as synesthesia, perfect pitch, or the capability to think outside the box. I have many others as well.

(11) I have weaknesses, but I have learned to ask other people for help when needed- for example, saying: "how do you feel about that", because I know I do not read feelings well- and they appreciate that I care- and I know that they do, even if I do not read that they do. People were meant to live together, sharing strengths and weaknesses with one another- we are all greater because we can all share with one another. This does not make any of us burdens on society.

(12) I like neuroptypical people. I also like autistic folk. I believe we all have a right to be.

(13) As a child, I remember being in deep emotional pain caused by misunderstandings, and the key part of this was in people's instructions to put a nice face on everything and completely deny my own feelings- that I was only supposed to think happy thoughts, and nothing else. I find this mentality all too prevalent among the "curebie" idea that you lock away those who cannot be made to look normal, and for the rest, you punish any behavior that is acknowledgment of a neurological difference.

(14) Finally, it is written that we are 'fearfully and wonderfully made", and our "soul knows it right well" (see Verses 13 and 14 of Psalms 139). Therefore, I am fairly certain that the leadership of Autism Speaks is not comprised of people of faith, but in case there are some, please know that God created us for a reason, as He created you.

It is not too late to turn back. Maybe, if my letter has made you feel something, you will write back to learn more.

A Rubbed-Out N Label

Lately, I have been typing on a keyboard with the N on the N-key unreadable, due to being rubbed-out. All the other keys look new. I have tried white-out to make an N, but have not been successful- and it chips off too quickly to be worth it, anyway. I know where the N is positionally, so I really do not need to mark that key. If all the keys were blank, it would be a little bit more difficult, since I really do not have the keyboard memorized, but once my hands are positioned, then I can type just fine without looking.

In the real world, I am sometimes like that N-key in that I do not always have the veneer I need. I recently learned, for example, that when speaking, I have just been judging how long I will speak, but not saying a word to my listeners that I have the time mapped out and will not speak too long- and then, they worry about this. It is just one more way that I am like the N, without a marker where there needs to be one for people to fill in the blanks and figure out where it is-- only now that I know, I find myself putting this marker in place where needed- as a teacher, I think it helps my students feel better, knowing that I won't make them choose between staying later than the end of the time (and being late to something else), or leaving before I am finished (being rude) coupled with missing material they need to know. If I do not say, and make them have faith that I know internally (I do), it still adds stress to their lives- something I do not like to happen to me. It is, after all, easier for me when a person states that my needs have been taken into account, and the person is aware of my needs and understands them- and here, I was doing to others a thing that made me feel stressed.

Creativity and Respect

When I was a girl, I never understood respect for authority. I was not wantonly rebellious, or mean, or desiring anarchy, or even "disrespectful"- but in terms of any social cue related to it, I never really had any belief in it or any understanding beyond some bare rudiment. On the other hand, I understood respect for expertise, or life, or creative work, or ability. I loved my parents and knew they had knowledge and desire to take care of me, so I would listen to them because it was, logically, right. I respected my teachers because they were there to teach me, and knew things I did not. I respected the work of a master crafter because I knew that the person who made it loved the work and cherished it, along with the expertise the one who made it had. So, if a person in authority loved the work, then I was very content with that, and trusted this person.

There are the times I got it wrong: When my teachers or parents were in error on details, I was quick to correct them- even when I was in the elementary grades. I did not realize that I might hurt anyone's feelings. I never understood any social rules about this. Then, when I needed directions explained several times to me, people in authority might take me for being disrespectful and defiant: perhaps, they were still hurt over finding out that I had seen an error they had made in some detail, and perhaps, they believed that I knew a lot about social things, or about understanding directions that were given in terms of social cuing or other socially-based and unspoken directions that I really did not know- and they assumed as a result that I was being difficult. I did not know why they thought this, so I was just frightened and also certain I would be harshly rebuked for asking and asking until I learned what I needed to know. Still, my desire to know was greater than my desire for not getting hurt, so I took my licks and asked away till I leaned what I needed to know. I used to think that learning was painful at the beginning, in any subject, because of the constant rebukes I got from many quarters. I was never a quiet person, contrary to the stereotype often held about girls on the spectrum.

Today, I went for a walk with another woman on the spectrum who is also not quiet, and like myself, has asked many questions, over and over, till she learned what she needed to learn. We are both outgoing, intelligent women as a result, and both of us have endured the rebukes to reap the benefits of having that knowledge. I was glad to meet her, and I am happy to reflect on it.

In the last month, I have begun to learn about feelings at a new level. In particular, sometimes a person in authority wiill have an insecurity about being in charge, and not want to be found not equal to the task- or the person will just feel embarrassed to be corrected publicly. I am learning not only to try to let things go till I can say something privately (when I need to say it at all- [and seeing the "big picture" which would help me determine when I need to, is easier in some situations than in others]), and where neeced, to put it in such a way that the person knows I appreciate his or her strengths, or otherwise is allowed to save face. This is embryonic for me. I finally can feel "respect' in a new fashion- a caring thing, and not a fear of punishment-- or a cruel, arbitrary thing demanded of one by force.

There are those who only care about those who "like" and "respect" them- so they do not like those who appear to fail in these areas. Of those who appear to show disrespect, there are some who are difficult people, and who undermine others just to see if they can do it. There are also people who are wired to do the right thing, but may ask questions and say facts instead of feelings, in a desire to be right and help others be right- and because it just feels better. The first kind of people are disloyal; the second kind are loyal to a fault, if that is possible. The first kind are coming from pride and arrogance; the second kind are not coming from that place. I am learning to look at the big picture to tell one kind of person from the other. I hope the typical people who read my blog will begin to look, too, if they are not yet used to this. Autistic people often get blamed for trying to "play people" when they are honestly needing directions. If one takes only a five-minute slice of the behavior, it can look the same. Do take longer, and look at a several-day slice of this behavior to see the difference. When I was a girl, I did not understand authority- but many in charge did not understand me, either.

We are neither stupid not defiant. If we do not understand, let us ask you- and be prepared to be appreciated. Answer our questions, and be patient to give us the detail we need to understand, and we will respect that you did- as a master crafter or an artisan is respected.